There's A Little Bit Of "Slut" In All Of Us.

We're all saucy little bitches looking to get a root. There, I said it.

Let's face it, despite society telling us otherwise, a short trip to reality will quickly prove it wrong.

Why?

Frankly, I don't know.

I suppose it's human nature. In the case of honey bees, their genitals actually explode inside the body of the queen bee.

I'm pretty sure that's also something that, in the case of humans, we all try to avoid.

What I'm sick of, though, is people pretending they aren't attracted to each other. Why do people have to pretend that they don't like each other, when in reality they'd like nothing more than to hook up?

Personally, I'm sick of having to dance the typical pretend-that-I'm-only-a-friend-when-I-don't-really-want-to-be, skirting around the real issues behind a facade of niceties and badly disguised flirting.

The other day, a girlfriend who I've known for quite some time was telling me about what a “good man” I am.

Men, when the woman that you've fallen for tells you that you're a “good man” you know that you're in trouble. Under no circumstances do you want to be a “good man.”

You probably think that you're doing the right thing treating her nicely whilst Brad the footballer treats her badly, and her father beats her at home. Yeah, you are if you want to be her friend, but here's the unfortunate reality: it's more than likely that, when she breaks up with Brad and you swoop in singing victorious songs of your choice, you'll be turned down and she'll get back together with Brad the footballer within a week.

I'm sorry guys, but that's the unfortunate reality we live in. I'm not telling you to be a dick, by any means, but if you want to be “more than friend” do not solely allow yourself to be seen as a “good man.”

I'll tell you from personal experience that it's even worse when the person you've been in love with for years takes your friendship for granted and tells you “how good it is that you aren't just after the one thing that all the other guys are after” and what a “great guy” you are. (Seeing correlations between this and what I said earlier? Good, you're learning.)

The other week I was talking to a girl who, frankly, I'd admired for quite some time. In the middle of our conversation, she told me just that: that it was so good to see a guy not after the “one thing” that all guys are after, and what a “great guy” I am.

Let's be honest – up until thirty seconds after she'd said that, the majority of it hadn't been strictly true.

But I've learnt my lesson. From then on, I decided to take my lesson from the Bonobo, a chimpanzee. Believe it or not, Bonobos use sex as greetings, a means of solving disputes, making up for fights, and as a favors in exchange for food.

Guys, I don't know about you, but that's a world that I could happily live in until I reached the ripe old age of rampant erectile dysfunction.

After that, I guess I'd just turn bitter and wish the world would go back to how it used to be, where women showing their ankles induced chronic fainting.

Woman who don't disagree with me, and I know you're out there – you're in denial. You may find it disgusting, but you have to admit it'd be a better place: less fooling around, much more up front. Never again would you have to deal with a guy who you thought was “different” when he was really a jerk..No longer would there be wars or mass genocide.

The facts are there - If we'd all adopted this policy only a few decades ago, it's likely that Nazis would have been too busy penis fencing (and yes, Bonobos actually do that) to actually bother with mass genocide. We'd live in a more populated world with next to no crime, genocide or wars.

The only thing that would really remain unaffected would be poor, third world countries, and let's face it: that's not going to change in a hurry, anyway.

So, without further ado: I challenge you, reader. I challenge you to be a better man or woman. I challenge you to abandon society's notions and take up a new mantle: the mantle of the Bonobo.

Hell, I know I'll certainly be smiling.